There's always a silver lining.

Ok, so yesterday wasn't really the day I had envisioned. I woke up and heard the news first thing that my grandpa had a heart attack and died a few hours before. It was awkward. Not because of the death, but just having all of the typical reactions, telling people, dealing with family and all that stuff. It didn't help that I was really close to him, and hated seeing my family so upset. On top of that, I was still sensitive to anything regarding death/sickness/etc even after entering remission last year. Being back in a hospital was freaking me the hell out, particularly when the only thing to sit on was a gurney. Not to mention how much I hate the smell of saline and anything medical. Who knows, I could've just been looking at too many abandoned hospitals on urban exploration sites.

There was, however, a great upside. He wasn't in pain anymore, and the family was actually relieved that he wasn't suffering or unhappy. I also got a dog out of it. It had been written in the will that we get the dog, since I adore animals and everyone else in the family was either allergic or didn't want an animal.

Here's a picture...it's not her, but it's pretty close.

A Sort Of Homecoming

Well, it's here. The end of an era. Call it what you will for that matter. There isn't a whole lot that needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway. Not only did I ring in the new year in the best way possible, but I really have discovered what life is. I'm not going to sit and explain, because you just have to experience it to understand. There is so much more to life than having everything your way, having it be all about you, or making everything so damn perfect. There are too many little things that need to be looked at, too much to fall in love with. I discovered tonight who the most important people in my life are and what you need to keep closest to your heart. I look back at this tumultuous year and am blown away at myself and what has been given to me. Those days spent riding around town and causing trouble. Crying in my mom's arms as Stevie Nicks sang Landslide the night before chemo. Sitting with my dad and having the ultimate parent-child bonding moment by hearing Richie Havens play Freedom just like he did during the Summer Of Love. Calling up my favorite DJ at 1 AM and begging him to play me something to make the pain go away, and crying as he played the opening chords of a Bruce Springsteen song. It was the most beautiful, heart-wrenching, and meaningful thing for me to go through this past year. It has created me, shaped me, to be a person I never thought I could be. My parents, friends, and my biggest hero were really what saved my life. Yeah, I got drugs and chemo and all that other crap. But a friend who doesn't care that you've lost your hair and look like Shamu is really the best person in the world. The person who will sit with you in the hospital and watching the doctors like a hawk to make sure they don't hurt you is someone you wouldn't mind taking a bullet for. And the people who either drive you up the wall from caring or take you out at 11 at night to get a bacon cheeseburger are who you want to keep in your life for as long as you can. The medicine wasn't the only thing that cured me. I had the greatest friends that anybody could ever ask for. No matter how big or small, the favors will be something I will be thanking them for as long as I live.All I really need to say is thank you. Everyone who has been there by my side in any shape or form has changed everything, and thank you for saving me.


Oh, and um, thanks Boss. You kept the fire burning with every spark.



Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can't feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I've gone
How far I've gone, how high I've climbed
On my back's a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile line

Come on up for the rising
Com on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
Wearin' the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin' down here

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight


Spirits above and behind me
Faces gone, black eyes burnin' bright
May their precious blood forever bind me
Lord as I stand before your fiery light


I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line

Sky of blackness and sorrow
Sky of love, sky of tears
Sky of glory and sadness
Sky of mercy, sky of fear
Sky of memory and shadow
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight